Easier to run
by Aeriel Cross
Summary: Done to a song by linkin park, LavixKanda. Lavi, the Noah of memories recalls back what happened, and is driven by his guilt...


Title: Easier to run

Author: Aeriel Cross

Genre: Angst/Romance

Summary: Lavi, Noah of memories. Thinking back of his past, when he was an exorcist – why did he kill his comrades, and his lover, Kanda? It's so much easier to leave it all behind…

N: Based on the song 'Easier to run' by Linkin Park, this fic is written for…um. I can't remember who it was who requested a Lavi/Kanda. But here it is anyway. It's my first time writing one, but I'll try. How can I ever turn down any of your story requests? I'll be writing a lot of fics lately, I guess – I'm mad about Linkin Park and Evanescence. This fic got removed so i'm just putting it up again.

Disclaimer: I do not own D.Gray Man. I own…this fic? And i do not own Linkin Park.

The moon was shining softly in through the window, her silver tresses illuminating everything with an eerie, almost ethereal light. The room was dark, but with enough light to see. It wasn't too grandly furnished, like the rest of the house, with a bed by the window, a desk, and a chair, a large bookshelf along the side of one wall, a wardrobe and an armchair, the floor carpeted with a soft, fluffy white carpet. The bookshelf was heavily laden with books, large, dusty leather-bound volumes, and other various books, and the desk was littered with papers, some covered with an elegant, curving handwriting, others with an untidy scrawl, and some even splashed with ink now dry. An open book lay quietly on the table, a page full of miniature handwriting, a long black quill of a crow lying across the pages, an entry to a diary. Its owner was reclining on the bed next to the window, half his face hidden in the shadows, but the red hair was unmistakable even in the dark.

Lavi, the Noah of memories, sighed and shifted a little on the bed. How long had he been like this, thinking? He didn't know. Ever since that day, time had come to a standstill for him, his world all trapped in eternal limbo. He was soul-dead, he mused bitterly. Just a talking, breathing corpse. His body was alive, but his soul and spirit was gone. He had already condemned himself to death, but thinking back, he was already dead the day he became a Noah.

When did it really start? It was probably about a year ago when he woke up one night from a long, recurring nightmare, and found the holy marks of a Noah right across his forehead. He had been dreaming of Noahs, of Innocence, of death. The dreams were disjointed, and made no sense, but he felt a familiarity about it. It couldn't be happening, he really didn't want to be a Noah, but the marks across his forehead said it all. Not long after, the Earl and Rhode approached him, and took him into their family.

_It's not a matter of choice,_ the Earl said. _It's a matter of 'must'._

_No,_ he had said. _God, please, no…_

For a long time, he held that secret within him, trying to break through the chains that bound him to the Noah. To find a way, to undo it. He told no one, and no one knew, not even Kanda. He wished he could tell them, but a part of him was afraid of what would happen. Will they hate him? Despise him? It wasn't his choice to become a Noah. To wake in the middle of each night, breaking out in cold sweat, stifling his screams, tears pouring down his face. He didn't want to see, didn't want to know what happened in the Noah's history. _No,_ he screamed. _No!! Let me go!!_ It wasn't his choice. Wasn't his.

_It's easier to run_

_Replacing this pain with something numb_

_It's so much easier to go_

_Than face all this pain here all alone._

He remembered his comrades, his friends. Allen, Leenali, Aleister, Miranda…they were very concerned for him then. Always looking after his back, covering him when he was careless. They had been beside him all the time, supporting him through all the hard times. But despite that, it was getting increasingly difficult to resist the Noah within him. He found himself changing back into his old personality, that selfish, unfeeling self. He turned more and more sadistic, his humor and patience wearing thin. Somewhere inside, he was longing for the death of his comrades, and it was getting near impossible to resist. Even the smiles and encouragement of his friends can only do so much…

_Something has been taken_

_From deep inside of me_

_A secret I've kept locked away_

_No one can ever see_

_Wounds so deep they never show_

_They never go away_

_Like moving pictures in my head_

_For years and years they played_

He could still remember Kanda's face, as he slept next to him, long dark tresses of his hair spilling across the pillows, eyes closed in a deep sleep, lips slightly apart. He tried to mask the truth, but Kanda always knew. He didn't know his lover had turned into a Noah, just knew that something was wrong. _What's wrong?_ He had demanded. _What's wrong with you, Lavi? Damn it, just tell me!! Am I not trustworthy enough for you to have faith in me!!?_ Lavi had looked away, unable to meet his lover's gaze. _Yes, I believe in you,_ he wanted to say. _I just don't believe in myself – I'm not strong enough._

_If I could change I would_

_Take back the pain I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I mad ei would_

_If I could_

_Stand up and take the blame I would_

_If I could take all the shame to the grave i_

_Would _

No matter what, Kanda's love for him held fast, and so did Lavi's. But it was so difficult to meet his lover's gaze. So painful. What will Kanda do when he found out? He was afraid to know. As time went by, he felt more and more unworthy of Kanda. He just wasn't good enough for Kanda, didn't deserve him. Each night after a round of passionate sex, when Kanda fell asleep, Lavi would lie awake still, trying to make out what was to become. Many times, he had thought of leaving Kanda, or killing himself, but at the last moment Kanda's face would always appear in his mind. He couldn't do it. Couldn't bear to leave him. The dreams became more frequent, more intense, and so did the Earl's visits, feeding him honeyed words of poison, showing him despair. Days went by, and his health detoriated. He became haggard, shadows forming under his eyes, the grin on his face long gone. He started to avoid people, especially Kanda. He couldn't bring himself to face them. They were the light, he the dark. He shouldn't be there, tainting them with his evil. He spat his bitterness at people, hateful, hurting, stinging words, hoping that in doing so they'll avoid him. But no, they remained by his side, caring, concerned for him. At night, alone in his room, he'd hug himself to sleep, fearing what was waiting for him in the dark, knowing that he'd wake up screaming again and full of despair. He was drowning, he knew it. Dying. And he just couldn't hold on…

_Sometimes I remember_

_The darkness of my past_

_Bring back these memories_

_I wish I didn't have_

_Sometimes I think of letting go_

_And never looking back_

_And never moving forward so_

_There would never be a past_

Then one day it just all broke loose. He couldn't remember what happened exactly, he just remembered suddenly attacking them, laughing as they screamed. He didn't know what took hold of him, he just went crazy. He saw the despairing look in their eyes, the shock, and the hope he'd return, but it never pierced through into his mind till it was too late. Somehow, the Earl, and the rest of the Noahs turned up and helped him with the battle. It was as if he had lost control of his body, it moving against his will on its own accords. He could only watch, shocked, when Kanda, panting heavily, pulled himself up to his feet, looking very pale from the amount of blood he lost, only to meet the snake of fire coming towards him. He had looked straight at Lavi, deep into his eyes, as if reading his very thoughts. _So this is what's wrong, huh?_ He smirked, an edge of bitterness to his voice. _I never dreamt I'd be killed by you…_ Lavi had screamed, shouted for Kanda to get away, but the Japanese had remained where he was, turning his face up to meet the attack. A bitter smile curved his mouth, and Lavi could only make out the dark eyes looking at him before the exorcist was consumed by flames.

_Never….forgive you…_

By the time the flames died down, Kanda was gone.

_Just washing it aside_

_All the helplessness aside_

_Pretending I don't feel misplaced_

_Is so much simpler than change_

Laughing bitterly, Lavi picked up a slender silver knife, twirling it in his fingers, marveling at the thin, sharp blade. Ever since that day Lavi had been as good as dead. With no where else to go, no where else to call home, he joined the Noahs, and helped them defeat the Black Order. He lived on numbly, uncaring, unfeeling, a part of him dying as the day ends each night. The only thing he could think about was his friends, the home he used to have, and Kanda, the lover he had killed with his own two hands. Oh, Kanda must have really despised him then. He's never forgive him – he said so himself. Running his fingers lightly across the blade, he watched as blood welled out of the cut. Will he go to hell when he dies? Probably. He didn't want to feel the pain anymore, haunted by the Noahs and his past anymore. He just wanted to let it go and forget. _It's be fast,_ Lavi told himself, and taking a deep breath, put the cold blade against the skin of his wrist and pulled, wincing from the searing pain and smiled as crimson blood poured out of the wound, staining the white bed sheets a dark red colour. Setting the knife down, he lay back on his pillow and sighed, waiting.

'_Never…forgive you…'_

What was Kanda trying to say then? Lavi wondered. He'll probably never find out now. If he saw Kanda again, will Kanda ever forgive him? It was getting harder and harder to think as a hazy fog settled over his mind. It'll be some time before Rhode or Tyki finds out, he reckoned. He'd be long gone by then. Kanda's face appeared in his mind again, the wind blowing his hair over his shoulders. He remembered that it was way before he started to turn into a Noah then. They were standing on the hilltop, planning and talking about what they'll do once the fight with the Earl was over. What was it like to be carefree then? He couldn't remember anymore. His eyelids were getting heavier and heavier, the throbbing pain in his wrist long faded to a numb sensation. Struggling for one last glimpse at the world, Lavi smiled serenely when he saw the silver moon in the bottomless black night sky. It's probably the last time he'll see the world he and Kanda once used to share, used to be in. _That's right…_he thought hazily. _Kanda's…not here anymore…_ And letting his eyes close, he fell, for the first time in the year, into a deep peaceful slumber, free from the nightmares forever, and never to wake from that eternal dream again.

Lavi didn't know that Kanda wanted to say that if Lavi didn't live on well, he'd never forgive him.

He didn't know that Kanda continued to love him to the very moment till he died, either.

But it was too late for that now, never again to wake and see the daylight again.

_It's easier to run_

_Replacing this pain with something numb_

_It's so much easier to go_

_Than face all these pain here all alone_

_I'm coming, Kanda…_

fin

A.N: Another oneshot from me!! I thought the ending was a little unstable…anyone give any suggestions? I'm open for all story requests and suggestions…Actually it's quite sad that I don't have an editor ( or a computer for that matter ). I write and post almost immediately. XP. Well. Hope you enjoyed that!! Review, please!! Whee!!!


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